SPRING

ME:  Grammy, you changed your curtains!

GRAMMY:  Yep.  Took down the heavy winter drapes and put up the spring curtains.

ME:  But it’s February, Grammy.  We won’t see Spring until at least mid-April.

GRAMMY:  Yeah?  Tell that to the birds.  The damn things have been waking me up every morning for the past ten days.  Twitter, twittery, tweep.  The damn things never shut up.

ME:  And that made you change the curtains?

GRAMMY:  If the birds are back, Barbara, Spring isn’t far behind.

ME:  Not according to the groundhog.  He saw his shadow.  That means six more weeks of winter.

GRAMMY:  News flash, Barbara.  If it’s sunny, he sees his shadow.  If it’s cloudy, he doesn’t.  And you know what?  He’s never really told anyone what he sees.  In case you haven’t noticed, groundhogs don’t talk.

ME:  No, but people interpret what he sees.

GRAMMY:  Yeah. Stupid politicians looking for a photo-op.  You don’t see Stephen Hawking hanging around the gopher hole, do you?

ME:  It’s not a gopher, Grammy. It’s a groundhog.

GRAMMY:  And that makes a difference?  (sigh)  She can’t believe in God, but a weather-predicting groundhog is perfectly acceptable.  Lord, take me now.

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FRIENDS

GRAMMY:  Barbara, you’ve gotta find that boy a friend.

ME:  Julius has friends.

GRAMMY:  The kind he can hang out with, or just kids he knows from school?

ME:  Well, they’re from school, but he’s had play dates with several of them.

GRAMMY:  Play dates?

ME:  I arrange it with the other Moms, or they arrange it with me.

GRAMMY:  Lord, you don’t even let him pick his own friends?

ME:  He’s six, Grammy.  I can’t have him running off with kids I don’t know.  Or whose parents I don’t know.  And why are you even going on about this?

GRAMMY:  I’ll tell you why.  Because he’s out in the yard talking to the squirrels.  Squirrels, Barbara.  And you know what’s really sad?  They’re chittering away at each other, ignoring him.

ME:  Come on, Grammy.  That’s utter nonsense.

GRAMMY:  Call it what you want, but I’m telling you, Barbara, that boy needs a real friend.  (sigh)  Good thing he can’t understand squirrel.  I’ll bet you a dollar to a stale donut they’re making fun of him.

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