EVOLUTION

GRAMMY:  Where are you off to?

ME:  PTA meeting.  It’s our yearly debate over Darwin.  Evolution or no evolution.

GRAMMY:  And let me guess.  You’re on the evolution side?

ME:  Of course.  All you have to do is look around you.  It’s pretty obvious.

GRAMMY:  And you don’t suppose that’s God twisting and tweaking, making things better?

ME:  Grammy, how can you believe that?

GRAMMY:  Because it makes more sense than your damn big bang theory.  Science says you can’t make something from nothing. So if we believe that, then where did that first bit of matter come from, huh? That bit that supposedly started it all?  I’ll tell you where it came from.  It came from God.

ME:  Sorry, Grammy. I’m not getting into this now.

GRAMMY:  Because you know you’re wrong.

ME:  No.  Because I have to deal with the people at school who think like you do.

GRAMMY:  Well, go ahead.  Just keep in mind what happened the last time you said there was no God.

ME:  What?

GRAMMY:  This time, you don’t have a car to crush, Barbara.  This time, it just might be you.

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GOD

JULIUS: Who’s that, Grammy?

GRAMMY: God.

JULIUS: Who’s God?

GRAMMY: Who’s God? Barbara, what the hell are you teaching this boy? He just asked who God was.

ME: God is make-believe, Julius. Like the Tooth Fairy and Santa.

GRAMMY: What? Julius, go in the kitchen and play with your toilet paper.

JULIUS: Okay, Grammy.

ME: Sorry, Grammy. I thought we’d have that conversation when he was a bit older.

GRAMMY: Conversation? Assassination is more like it! You just killed God, the Tooth Fairy, and Santa!

ME: Don’t be silly, Grammy. You can’t kill something that doesn’t exist. And he’s known about the Tooth Fairy and Santa since he was three.

GRAMMY: What the hell kind of mother are you? No wonder the boy has no concept of fun.

ME: God is hardly fun, Grammy.

GRAMMY: That’s for sure. And you just pissed Him off. I’d be afraid to sleep tonight if I was you.

ME: Really, Grammy. If God existed and wanted to punish me, He wouldn’t have to wait until I was asle . . . .

(Crunch!)

JULIUS: Mommy! Mommy! A garbage truck just ran over your new car.

GRAMMY: You were saying?