Monday, March 29, 2010


BABY:  (runs through apartment)  YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

GRAMMY:  What the hell was that?

ME:  The baby from hell.

GRAMMY:  Oooh.  Not our usual Barney self today, are we?

ME:  Shut up, Grammy.  I’m not in the mood.

BABY:  (knocks kitchen chairs down)  WHEEEEE.

GRAMMY:  Okay.  Who is she and where did she come from?

ME:  It’s my neighbor’s daughter.  Her babysitter cancelled and she was in a bind, so I volunteered.

BABY:  (slams kitchen door over and over)  YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

ME:  She just doesn’t stop.  It’s been like this all day.

GRAMMY:  So you brought her here?  To my house?  What the hell is wrong with you?

(Baby pulls knickknack shelf over)  CRASH

ME:  I don’t know what to do, Grammy.  I can’t get her to stop.

BABY:  (runs past)  YAYAYAYAYAYAY!

GRAMMY:  Lord!  She’s like the Energizer Bunny on speed.  You try to catch her.  I’ll go get the whiskey.

ME:  This is no time to be drinking, Grammy.

(Baby rips off diaper and flings it)

GRAMMY:  It’s not for me.  It’s for her.

ME:  Oh!  Good idea.

(twenty minutes later. Baby’s asleep)

ME:  Well, that was an experience.

GRAMMY:  Yep.  I’m telling you, Barbara.  There’s nothing a bit of whiskey can’t fix.

Photo:  Philip Rogan

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1 comment:

Andy said...

OMG! That was my grandmother! Except Nanny's baby sedative of choice was brandy. My personal favorite was paregoric. My mother used to rub it on our gums when we were teething, and I can totally remember the taste. I believe it's my first real memory. That's how good it was. Liquid opium. Mmmmm.

The poppies are in bloom outside my kitchen window. I wonder . . .